How to End Your Wal Mart Public Relations Career
Sourced from here and here and here and here.
One day, a woman went to Wal Mart and, instead of receiving a "Merry Christmas" greeting from Wal Mart's vibrant greeting staff, she received a "Happy Holidays" greeting. In a multi-cultural society, this is not surprising, but the woman didn't like it, and wrote a letter to Wal Mart complaining about it.
Now, the smart thing for Wal Mart to do would be to explain that they did not mean to offend her, but that they do serve both Christians and non-Christians and would not want to offend a Jew with a "Merry Christmas" greeting. I could certainly understand that.
Kirby, the Wal Mart drone who replied to the woman, took the response a little too far:
“Walmart is a world wide organization and must remain conscious of this. The majority of the world still has different practices other than ‘christmas’ which is an ancient tradition that has its roots in Siberian shamanism. The colors associated with ‘christmas’ red and white are actually a representation of of the aminita mascera mushroom. Santa is also borrowed from the Caucuses, mistletoe from the Celts, yule log from the Goths, the time from the Visigoth and the tree from the worship of Baal. It is a wide wide world.”
Ironically, Kirby never got around to mentioning Saturnalia, which is more relevant than whatever the Siberians do.
Eventually, after subsequent communications, the Catholic League entered the fray by calling for a boycott, which resulted in a Wal Mart apology and a note that Kirby no longer worked for Wal Mart.
Perhaps he'll go work for Pat Robertson now. Or maybe even for the Catholic League. Here's what the latter organization says about another issue:
It is beyond belief that molesting priests were moved from parish to parish when any sensible person in charge would have removed these deeply troubled men from any contact with children. On the flip side, the archdiocese has sold out its priests by turning over personnel files on men who were born in the 19th century, have long ago died and cannot defend themselves from charges which even the archdiocese admits are not credible. So what we have is a garbage pail of information about priests—including those who have been accused of molestation when they were between the ages of two and five—that should never have been made public. Obviously, in current cases of credible accusations of a criminal nature, such files should be turned over to the authorities. But the wholesale dumping of files is an outrageous abuse of civil liberties.
And I'm sure that if Wal Mart releases Kirby's employment records, the Catholic League will boycott Wal Mart for this outrageous abuse of civil liberties.
Or perhaps they're too busy boycotting the Anti Catholic League:
Welcome to "The Anti-Catholic League," a segment of The Juicy Cerebellum created specifically to keep Americans who aren't crazy, safe from psychotic Catholics. Right off the bat, I'd like to say that I am not criticizing the Catholic religion, as a whole, but rather, a group of "Catholics" who call themselves the "Catholic League." Claiming to be working for "Religious and Civil Rights," the group protests anything it deems as "biased" against Catholics. This can be something as simple as a brief, forgettable line from a television show, an entire episode of South Park satirizing the problems in the Catholic church, an issue of Playboy with a girl in a "Catholic" school-girl uniform (yummy), or a radio talk show that the loonies in the league considers "offensive." This is an ultra-paranoid League that makes outlandish claims along the lines of deciding that CNN has a "problem" with Catholics because it featured a two-minute segment on "Women in the Pulpit" wherein a female minister "criticized" the Roman Catholic church for not ordaining people without penises. Whatever it is that the Catholic League is currently whining about, it will undoubtedly come off as insignificant and petty to the vast majority of Catholics (I was introduced to this group by a Catholic School Teacher who asked me to take a look at "this idiotic group of Nazis"), but the Catholic League whines nonetheless . . . it has an image to uphold.
Ah, but what about their suggestion to dump FEMA and give aid directly to churches (which of course raises the question - if FEMA no longer exists, who would distribute the aid?).
Catholic League president William Donohue spoke today about the way government agencies and churches have responded to Hurricane Katrina:
“In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, two things seem obvious: the federal, state and local government response has been a disaster, and the response of churches has been nothing short of heroic. If there is any lesson to be learned, it is that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) should be dumped and that federal aid should be given to churches and other houses of worship that participate in emergency relief efforts. But the aid, either in the form of reimbursements or grants, must be offered without compromising the autonomy of churches.
“The evidence that government cannot do the job of churches is overwhelming. To take one example, there is an article in today’s New York Times entitled, ‘A New Meaning for ‘Organized Religion’: It Helps the Needy Quickly.’ The news story details the failure of FEMA and the triumph of churches. Regarding the response of government, the article reports that ‘many people said they could not wait that long, or did not have the patience to deal with all the bureaucratic mix-ups.’ Fortunately, the article says, ‘churches stepped into the void in what observers say is probably the largest such outpouring in recent memory, with tens of thousands of displaced people stretched out across the country.’
“The time has come for common sense to prevail: we need to end the stranglehold that the paranoid church-and-state extremists have had on directing public policy. And that means that in times of emergency, a new partnership between government and religion should be forged: federal dollars—without any strings attached—should be given to churches that provide emergency relief. It’s time we put the best interests of the needy first.”
Well, why stop at FEMA? We don't need a U.S. Treasury Department - the churches can hand out the social security checks. We don't need an Army - the churches can send the fighters.
I predict a rise in atheism.
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