Comitment to Excelence - Or, How to Over-Analyze a Theatrical Role
As long-time readers of this blog know, I am a Master Thespian who has graced the stage twice in the last thirty-odd years. Needless to say, you cannot be a Master Thespian like myself if you do not engage in meticulous preparation.
In preparation for my second awe-inspiring performance, I purchased a set of cigars that I would never smoke. Basically, I held the cigar on stage and put it in my mouth on occasion. Critics referred to my cigar-holding technique as follows:
Well now, for my third upcoming performance, as Mayor Shinn in the Children's Theatre Experience (CTE) production of "The Music Man," I need to learn how to hold a flugelhorn that I will never play. And, for the record, I won't ever hold it either.
Let me 'splain by quoting some dialogue from Act I, Scene 9. I, the Master Thespian, will be playing this scene with another Master Thespian. (Actually, the role of Harold Hill may be played by a professional actor, so in that case the title is true.) So you'll have two thespians going at it on stage. Bring the kids.
SHINN: Flattery will not avail you. Soliciting is statutory in this county - malfeasance without a permit. Why haven't you been down't City Hall with your references?
HAROLD: Just missed you I - Mr. Mayor! Your hand - oh no!
SHINN: What, what -
HAROLD: That spread of the little finger! It's hereditary!
SHINN: Oh it is - what does that mean?
HAROLD: It means that your son's little finger is perfectly situated to operate the spit-vale on a B flat flugel horn!
SHINN: Is that good?
HAROLD: Good! It means that America has at last produced an artist who can flugle the Minute Waltz in 50 seconds.
Now, join me and find out how a Master Thespian such as myself takes this dialogue and makes it into a magical event. [NOTE TO NEW BLOG READERS: IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT YET THAT THE WHOLE "MASTER THESPIAN" THING IS A JOKE, THEN YOU ARE EXTREMELY DIM.]
To set up the fact that "Harold Hill" (his real name is unknown; I don't think that "Gregory" is his real name either) makes these comments about Shinn's hand, it's apparent that Hill has to get a glimpse of Shinn's hand. As of now (and this may be overridden by the director as we get closer to the performance), I figure that I'll set this up by having Shinn point to Hill as he delivers the line "Why haven't you been down't City Hall with your references?" Then Hill (come to think of it, his real name is probably Jebediah Ratzinger) would see Shinn's hand, and get the opportunity to make his sales pitch.
This raises another question. For Hill to launch into the discussion of the spit valve, it would be preferable for Hill to be talking about the hand that Shinn is raising. The question raised is as follows: what hand is used to control the spit valve on a flugelhorn? Not that the fraud Hill would have any idea himself, but I figure that if I use the correct hand, then any flugelhorn players in the audience will be mightily impressed. Actually they won't be - after all, I figured that I have a 50-50 chance of getting it right.
So, knowing nothing about flugelhorns but assuming that either the right or left pinky would control the spit valve, I began my extensive, exhaustive research.
First step - find out what a flugelhorn is. Now I played the flute for eight years, and was involved in several concert and marching bands, but none of these bands had a flugelhorn in it. My first assumption was that the flugelhorn was related to the French Horn. In actuality, it's more akin to the trumpet.
The flugelhorn is a valved bugle developed in Germany. It has a conical bore. The bugle had no valves and therefore could produce only the natural harmonics of the tube. The design pitch was was typically middle C or B-flat. The flugelhorn has a mellower sound than the trumpet.
After some exhaustive research taking all of two minutes or so, I was unable to locate anything about holding the flugelhorn. So I gave up and looked for instructions on how to hold the trumpet.
Your left hand will be what supports the trumpet whenever you play. It should be curled in a C-shape around the valves with your ring or pinky finger in the third valve ring, whichever feels better to you. Your thumb should be in the first valve thumb saddle and your other three fingers should be lightly wrapped around the valves in comfortable positions. Your right hand will be what does the valve action. Your index, middle, and ring fingers will be who controls the valves. Their fingerprints should be put on the pearls of each valve and in order to get the best response from the valve, it must be pressed straight down, not off to one side. Your thumb should have its underside touching the lead pipe and your pinky should be on top of the ring on the lead pipe, not hooked around it. If the pinky is hooked around the ring, your finger control will be affected in a bad way.
Well, this description, while helpful, didn't tell me which pinky I needed to use to control the spit valve. I did find some more specific information about the spit valve (which, as it turns out, is misnamed):
Some brass instruments may also have a spit valve, a small hole that is normally closed but that the player can open quickly with a small key. This is not used while playing the instrument. It is used to empty the instrument of what players call "spit". Water vapor from the warm, moist breath of the player condenses in the instrument, especially when it is cold. (And, yes, there's probably a little actual spit in it, too, but not much). This can cause a bubbling sound in the tone. The spit valve is placed at a spot where the water naturally accumulates (due to gravity), giving the player a way to quickly empty the instrument during rests.
During rests? That shot holes in my theory. I figured that you would empty the spit valve while you were playing the Minute Waltz, not during breaks in the song.
This was the first clue that my search was for naught, and that Harold Hill had conned me. There's no need for me to determine which pinky is used for the spit valve, because Hill's claim is false in itself. I found the following passage which further confirmed this:
The moisture that accumulates inside the trumpet is not "spit." It is condensation from the player's breath-just like the moisture from a steaming kettle that condenses on windows. When this moisture accumulates inside the trumpet, it makes it gurgle and has to be released through the water key or spit valve. Open the water key and blow air (don't buzz) into the instrument. Empty your spit valve onto the floor, not on your chair or your neighbor's shoe!
So, at this point I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I still like the idea of pointing a hand at Hill, but I'm not sure which hand to point. I'm naturally left handed, so there's part of me that wants to point my left (Communist) hand at him. But that may make the audience uncomfortable (it is sinister, after all), so I may use the right (Baby Seal Clubber) hand instead.
Perhaps I'll just point my foot at him and give the actor playing Hill a real challenge - let's see what lines he can improvise off of that. ("This little piggy plays the flugelhorn"? Perhaps.)
P.S. Probably not Jebediah Ratzinger. More than likely it's Andrew Floyd Gabber.
[OE UPDATE: We blocked the scene on November 6. Read the outcome.]
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