Ontario Empoblog

I'm not as hip as Ludo Cremers, but I'm getting there (or, if you're not going to light it, Phillies is your theatrical choice)
This is a follow-up to a portion of a cryptic entry from two days ago.

As I previously mentioned, I'm in the cast of a Children's Theatre Experience production of "Big River." Among other things, I strut around at the beginning of the play, pretending to be Mark Twain.

When I initially found out that I'd be portraying the author (as a middle-aged man), I read the description in the script of what I had to do. In essence, I walk on stage, share the opening statement from the book (audio), take a puff from a cigar, and enjoy the proceedings.

I read the script very early in the rehearsal schedule, and realized that I'd have to work some things out by the time of the performance.

The problem? I don't smoke.

Because I live in California, this isn't necessarily a problem; I'm surprised that the state allows me to eat hamburgers, but it's certainly not going to allow me to pollute the air of a public auditorium by actually puffing on a cigar.

However, I have to look like I know how to smoke. If I take the cigar, stick it up my nose, and puff up my cheeks, the audience would not be convinced that I am Mark Twain, smoking. They would be convinced that I am someone else, insane.

I can't really rely on past experience in this regard. The last time I smoked a cigar was over a decade ago. The wife of one of my (then) co-workers had just had a baby, and the proud dad handed out cigars to mark the occasion. I figured that I'd enjoy this wonderful gift, so on my drive home I pulled my car into a parking lot, used the cigarette lighter to light the cigar, took a few puffs, and then quit before I felt too queasy. (I do have other "past experience" in "smoking," but without going into much detail, let's just say that it isn't applicable to the situation. And I was young and foolish then.)

So, without actually lighting up, I needed to acquire some present experience in handling smoking accessories. Because I wasn't sure whether I wanted to smoke a pipe or a cigar, my first step was to visit a 99 Cent Only Store and see if they sold pipes. They didn't, but there was a guy hanging around outside the store who looked like he could convincingly play the role of Pap Finn, if you get my drift (and his).

I then moved on to Plan B, which was to find some really cheap cigars. If I were actually going to smoke them, I wouldn't want cheap cigars, but since I was only going to pose with them, they merely had to look good. Enter Savon (around here it's NOT "Osco"). Myopically peering behind the counter, I was looking for some cigars that were big, fat, and cheap. (Since this is a family blog, I will not insert a joke here.) With the help of the friendly Savon counter staff, I chose Phillies Blunts - five big fat cigars for less than four bucks.

As I type this, I'm sitting at work on my lunch break, occasionally picking up the cigar, occasionally placing it in my mouth, and pretending that I know what I'm doing. Later today, when my co-workers can't hear me, I'll spout the "NOTICE!"-speak as I gesture with the cigar, bringing a century-old character (and "Mark Twain" is a character, mind you) to life.

Well, I decided to research my purchase to see the reputation of the cigar I chose. After certifying that I am over 21 years of age (why?), I proceeded to the Phillies Blunts web page.

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Phillies offers an extensive selection of fine cigars for the value-conscious smoker...

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Even with my lack of knowledge, I kinda guessed the "value-conscious" part.

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...and has the perfect size, shape and blend to satisfy any taste.

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Blend? Yes, blend:

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Blunt
Blunt Banana
Blunt Berry
Blunt Chocolate Aroma
Blunt Cinnamon
Blunt Coconut
Blunt Cognac
Blunt Greene de menthe
Blunt Honey
Blunt Mango
Blunt Peach
Blunt Pina Colada
Blunt Sour Apple
Blunt Strawberry
Blunt Sweet Vanilla

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This was a surprise to me, and I'm sure that Samuel Clemens would roll over in his grave if someone gave him a mango cigar.

Incidentally, I subsequently figured out why the age restriction was necessary.

Which brings us to our friend Ludo Cremers. You remember Ludo, the marketing genius accused of trying to kill off young minorities by targeting Kool cigarettes to the hip-hop generation. And Ludo could only push menthol; flavors such as banana and sour apple were not available to Ludo.

However, the Phillies people (actually Altadis) don't use hip-hop to push their stuff - they use sex (or at least Playmates) and booze:

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Friday, March 18
Gigantic Puff
7 PM at the Italian-American Banquet Center in Livonia

For JUST $135.00 or $1250.00 for a reserved table for 10, you get…
Fine selection of over 30 Premium Cigars.
Four course meal and appetizer table.
Premium Open Bar.
Entertainment provided by Diamond Jeff.
Door prizes and special bonus raffle
Featured Playmates: Colleen Marie (August 2003) and Lindsey Vuolo (November 2001)
You can purchase tickets by calling (248) 357-2340 or visit:
JR Cigar
28815 Northwestern Highway
Southfield, Michigan

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Wednesday, April 6
JR Cigar's Meadowlands Madness
SAVE THE DATE!

Pegasus Restaurant at The Meadowlands
East Rutherford, New Jersey
Wednesday, April 6, 2005
6 pm - 11 pm

JR proudly presents "Meadowlands Madness," a night of smoking, eating, drinking, and gambling... is there anything else?

Pegasus, a penthouse-level restaurant with a breathtaking view of the New York City skyline, is the setting for this exciting event... we'll have the whole place - with smoking permitted EVERYWHERE!


For JUST $125.00, you get…

Admission to the renowned Pegasus Restaurant, and that night's Meadowlands racing program.
4 Hour Premium Open Bar (6 pm - 10 pm).
Famous Pegasus Buffet (6 pm - 9:30 pm).
Cigar Goody Bag containing around 25 cigars.
Cigar Rolling Demonstration.
Even MORE stuff to be announced!...

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Saturday, April 9
Cigars International
The Pennsylvania Expo Center
501 Cetronia Road
Allentown, Pennsylvania
(610) 336-9100
3 - 7 PM
Featured Playmate: Lindsey Vuolo (November 2001)

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Friday, April 15
Nicks Cigar World
2705 Highway 17 South
North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
(843) 361-8266
Featured Playmate: To Be Announced
2 - 6 PM

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Thursday, April 21
Cavalier Pipe and Tobacco
1100 Emmet Street
Charlottesville, Virginia
(434) 293-6643
2 - 6 PM
Featured Playmate: Miriam Gonzalez (March 2001)

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Definitely not nineteenth century advertising. Plus you need to add the events with the Montecristo Platinum Girl.

So how do they market cigars to females? Or should I refrain from asking and just learn my lines?