Ontario Empoblog

I Have Been Bettered
Perhaps you've visited my poetry page. The great poets of the world have nothing to fear. My poetry ranges from Kiplingesque rhythmic nothingness ("Judometrics is a science that was pushed upon our country/As the jury pool excuses all increased"), to the disguised personal attacks ("Martians have two noses"), to free verse run rampant ("Porridge rampant in the hay"), to parody ("You play the song in the mix over and over again"), to poorly-expressed serious political thought ("The suicide bomber? No martyr hero be"), to the occasional thing of beauty:

Cheese is green and better you've seen
That cheese is green, always green
You may think that learning's mean
But you must know that cheese is green

Yet I have managed to find a poem that was obviously carefully planned to turn a generation upside down. Remember the Client song "Diary of an 18 Year Old Boy" which was obviously written by a post-18 year old woman? Lines such as "make me tremble" would never be uttered by a true 18 year old boy, who would be more likely to utter something a little more crude.

Well, one of the poets at the Mark Harms website obviously had the same thing in mind. His "Hear Me: The Voice of a Teen" ridicules the whole "internet diary of a teenager" genre with its very first line:

The pulse of indignant despair vomits from your voice.

Some other lines that nearly give the joke away (or maybe they do give the joke away - perhaps everyone realizes what he's up to):

The walls hold custody the wages of tumult deep within the studs.

My hallmark is knotted up into a clenched fist, closed by a voice.

The doldrums have my lips sewn half shut. Who will release me?

And, of course, the oft-repeated line

Tall teeth keep me recoiled.

Harms himself is no slouch at this supposedly serious hilariousness, as the following lines from Origins & Damnation attest:

At the far reaches of the Milkyway galaxy existed, as today, a remarkable series of planets with an idea sun.

With the understanding of time, space and mass, they made the plan to shut down the experiment. By capturing a massive asteroid from the belt between the two worlds, then sending it hurling into mars, Europia's people were able to annihilate all life on mars.

I obviously have some work to do...

My First Bookcrossing Release of 2004!
Bookcrossing fans in Upland, California will be happy to know that I (Ontario Emperor, or oemperor) just released Robert F. Kennedy's Thirteen Days: A Memoir of the Cuban Missile Crisis at the Starbucks at 386 S Mountain in Upland (near the Pavilions). This is my first release since last year, when I released books at the same Starbucks, and at a Starbucks in Chino and a Del Taco in Ontario.

Assortment O' Links
Some morons.org sponsors:

You Have B.O.
AMI BIOS OR NOT
Asexual Visibility and Education Network

Dinner
Late night at work, so a late dinner in Placentia at the Lakeview Cafe. I'm a sucker for Rewards Network (aka Idine) locations with American food.

Client Website Reorganization
Client has reorganized their website. Links to audio/video (including the video for "Rock and Roll Machine") can now be found here.

Previous posts: Client Album Review 4/20/2004, Even Calculated Modesty is Refreshing 4/16/2004. I really like these here permalinks.

Let's Mess Up My Blogshares Rating
Here's a link to Al Franken's blog at airamericaradio.com

Time to Mess Up My Blogshares Rating
From airamericaradio.com:

On yesterday's show, we said that an anodized coating is the same as a Teflon coating. In fact, they are categorically dissimilar. Teflon is a material in and of itself. Anodization, by contrast, is a chemical process. To anodize an aluminum object, put the object in a bath of dilute sulfuric acid and charge it electrically. (The word "anodized" comes from the word "anode," the positively-charged pole of an electrical circuit.) A piece of aluminum that undergoes anodization is sealed in aluminum oxide, rendering it harder, more resistant to corrosion, and less porous than regular aluminum.

On Tuesday's show, I used the grammatical construction "aren't I." In fact, the correct formulation would have been "am I not."

On May 5, while discussing John Kerry's Vietnam record, we described Swift Boats as armed with 50 millimeter (5 centimeter bore) guns. These boats were actually armed with .50 caliber (1/2 inch bore) guns.

Thanks to all of the listeners who suggested boring corrections. If you have a boring correction about grammar, metric conversions, or today's boring correction, please post it below.

Al Franken

Hizb Allah Condemns Berg Execution
From aljazeera.net:

Hizb Allah condemns beheading
Thursday 13 May 2004, 0:08 Makka Time, 21:08 GMT

The Lebanese political group Hizb Allah has condemned the beheading of an American hostage in Iraq as an ugly crime that flouted the tenets of Islam.

In a statement on Wednesday the Lebanese Shia Muslim group said this act "has done very great harm to Islam and Muslims by this group that claims affiliation to the religion of mercy, compassion and humane principles".

An Islamist website on Tuesday carried a video clip of the execution of the man who identified himself as Nick Berg, with a statement saying a group linked to al-Qaida did it in revenge for the abuse of Iraqis by US troops.

Hizb Allah said Berg's killing had diverted the world's gaze from an escalating furore over the abuse of Iraqi prisoners by occupation soldiers.

Suspect timing

"The timing of this act that overshadowed the scandal over the abuse of Iraqi prisoners in occupation forces prisons is suspect timing that aims to serve the American administration and occupation forces in Iraq and present excuses and pretexts for their inhumane practices against Iraqi detainees."

The influential Lebanese Islamist group, which the United States deems "terrorist", said the executors' behaviour was closer to "the Pentagon school - the school of killing and occupation and crimes and torture and immoral practices that were exposed by the great scandal in occupation prisons".

So, if I'm following this correctly, Hizb Allah condemned the beheading because they thought the U.S. orchestrated it?

Permalinks and Comments
For free, too! Provided that this works. Try posting a comment, and if it doesn't work, complain to the badgers.

Turning On New Blogger Features
Reading about a few new Blogger features that I've wanted for ages. If I can get Publish to work, I'll turn them on. More later.

This Made Me Think of Iraq (Apologies in Advance)
From the e-mailed NLECTC Law Enforcement & Corrections Technology News Summary, Thursday, May 13, 2004:

The National Law Enforcement and Corrections Technology Center (NLECTC) provides the following information as a service to law enforcement, corrections, and forensic science practitioners....For more information on NLECTC and the web version of this news summary, please visit JUSTNET at www.justnet.org....Reproduction of this text is encouraged; however copies may not be sold, and the NLECTC Law Enforcement & Corrections Technology News Summary should be cited as the source of the information. Copyright 2004, Information Inc., Bethesda, MD.

"30 Jail Deputies Endure Grueling Training in Kentucky"
Owensboro Messenger-Inquirer (05/07/04); Willis, Justin

About 30 western Kentucky jail deputies completed a week-long training session to prepare them for service on their facilities' emergency response team. Deputies were exposed to a variety of crowd control weapons, including pepper spray, taser guns, bean-bag guns, and tear gas, so that they remain calm and effectively handle dangerous situations when exposed to the weapons during emergencies. The educational session also involved classroom training, drills covering survival during an attack and proper use of force, and a written test. Kentucky-based Daviess County Detention Center jailer David Osborne asserts that use of the 12-member emergency response team at his facility is rare, as the team immediately brings inmates under control and soothes dangerous situations. www.messenger-inquirer.com

First, let's clarify that the Kentucky jail training did NOT include lessons in how to arrange prisoners in a human pyramid.

Of course, that's the issue - the jailers in Iraq apparently didn't get much training at all....

Next They'll Launch Fake SEC Investigations
Blogshares uses its data to generate fake press releases. When Liz Bartlett dumped some shares of this blog, the following press release was generated:

17:16 09 May 2004

Ontario Empoblog suffered a huge setback with several analysts urging their clients to ditch the stock as it suffered a public relations disaster. The exact nature of customer dissatisfaction was not known but Liz Bartlett was rumoured to have had a hand in it. Industry insiders suspect a Surfer Dude (artefact) was involved. Ontario Empoblog share price dropped from B$40.67 to B$15.50

Liz Bartlett declined to comment on the recent speculation.

Liz Bartlett: http://blogshares.com/user.php?id=14374

Plan Schman
From a Stephan Haeckel interview on adaptive enterprises, sense and respond, etc. (as usual, I'm identifying the trendy thing several years after the fact):

A good example of the difference between a "sense-and-respond" organization and what most of us are used to is the difference between the way a bus company is organized and managed and the way a taxi company is organized and managed....

There was a story in The London Times two or three years ago about a productivity imperative and initiative of The London Bus Authority. They set the bar so high that only one bus driver was able to meet all of the parameters set forth in this new process. He got the bus out of the barn on time. He stopped every place he was supposed to stop at the time he was supposed to stop there. He got back to the barn on time. He ran over no more pedestrians than the plan called for and used no more fuel than the plan called for. The only thing he did not have time to do was open the doors of the bus to let passengers on and off.

The moral of this story is that you can be an "A" performer in what we call a make-and-sell organization without a customer. As a matter of fact, customers can become absolutely a nuisance. People get sick in the middle of a bus ride and therefore you have to stop the bus and let them off. And that screws up all of the measurements.

The idea of being a "plan your work, work your plan" organization is the idea behind what we call a make-and-sell organization. It requires that you predict ahead of time what your customers are going to want - forecast. The opposite side is a firm like a taxi company where a taxi driver cannot begin work without a customer. A bus driver can begin. All they need is a schedule. That is the plan. A taxi driver cannot begin without a customer. Why? Because the customer is the only one who knows where we are going.

Ebay Has EVERYTHING
From lookseez.com:

EBay.com - Save Money and Buy Chaos Theory On Ebay!
Find Chaos Theory and anything you are looking for on Ebay. Opening an account is free. Bidding is free. Try it today.

OK, so I tried the link...and it worked! 11 chaos theory-related items appeared, including some CDs and criminology books.
I guess Ebay DOES have everything...

P.S. This is my first post under the NEW Blogger interface. So far it's not too atrocious.

If Florianopolis had a top 100 chart, this song would come in at number 101
Visit http://www.spam.com/index.htm with your speakers on. A bizarre, repetitive, minimalistic instrumental plays that makes the http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com song sound like a universally acknowledged masterpiece.

Was Becky Ever In Florianopolis?
I threw out all my cassettes a few years back, so I don't have Desperation Squad's "(In Memory of the) Soul Cleanser" any more. But I sure did like that "Serious Love" back in the day. And The Bowl Sheet was fun too. As was SHUFFLEBOARD! The Upland Travel & Music Guide. Yessiree. But SHUFFLEBOARD! was never available in Portugese. Pity.

Well, It's Not A Florianopolis Blog That Made The Top 50!

As of this evening, this very Ontario Empoblog is listed at number 50 in Blogshares' list of the top 100 Right-Wing Politics blogs.

I feel like nuking someone back into the Stone Age.

She Doesn't Live in Florianopolis, But She Has Religious Envy

From Mutated Monkeys:

Now that I've finally ordered my phone, and am waiting for it to arrive, I'm still second-guessing myself, wanting to be sure that nothing better is out there. And today I read about this:

LG Electronics has set a new benchmark in regional innovation with the launch of its new mobile handset, the G5300 Qiblah phone. The new handset is the world's first to feature an indicator setting which points to Mecca.

and immediately got jealous. Hey! My phone won't point to Mecca! I'm missing out.

Then I remembered that I was Jewish.

Mecca is a Long Way from Florianopolis
From http://www.ameinfo.com/news/Detailed/27828.html:

United Arab Emirates: Saturday, September 06 - 2003 at 09:50

LG launches world's first mobile with Qiblah indicator

LG Electronics has set a new benchmark in regional innovation with the launch of its new mobile handset, the G5300 Qiblah phone. The new handset is the world's first to feature an indicator setting which points to Mecca....

'No matter where the faithful are at the call to prayer, they will be able to easily identify the direction of Mecca.'

The Qiblah indicator uses an inbuilt longitude and latitude orientation or city references that when used with a comparison to magnetic north, indicates the direction of Mecca. The phone comes complete with a compass to ensure the user can always find the reference point of north.

This Has Nothing To Do With Florianopolis
At least I don't think so.

It's the April 2004 Waldo file from reveries.com.

But You've Never Heard Of Florianopolis?
Well, tennis fans have heard of it. Here's a biography of Gustavo Kuerten. And here's another one. And another. How about another? And here's one for my Czech readers. Now this is important, whatever it is:

FLORIANOPOLIS (Brazílie) - "Pod tímto svazovým vedením nebudu za Brazílii hrát," uvedl Kuerten na tiskové konferenci ve svém bydlišti ve Florianopolis. Trojnásobný vítěz grandslamového French Open řekl, že tato slova pronáší s těžkým srdcem, ale pro dobro brazilského tenisu tak musel učinit. "Bylo to těžké rozhodnutí, ale musel jsem zvolit tuto cestu také kvůli budoucnosti našich hráčů," dodal.

Brazilci v zářijové baráži prohráli s Kanadou 2:3 na zápasy a v regionální zóně nastoupí za měsíc proti Paraguayi. Kuerten svazovým činovníkům vyčítá nejen to, že bez vědomí hráčů mění kapitány, ale i další věci. "Nikdo s námi nekonzultuje ani kde se má hrát. Když vyhrajeme, pak jsme my hráči chváleni. Ale když ne, jako loni proti Kanadě, pak obviňují nás a ne svaz," dodal rozhořčeně.

Navíc prý svaz v čele s Nelsonem Nastasem nedostatečně podporuje talentované hráče a obecně dělá málo pro rozvoj tenisu v Brazílii. "Je hodně lidí, kteří nesouhlasí s kroky současného vedení. Až skončí éra Gugy, pak upadne tenis v Brazílii znovu do zapomnění," varoval.

Kuerten se takto kriticky vyjádřil před odjezdem do Spojených států na turnaj v Indian Wells. V Davis Cupu od roku 1996 odehrál 43 zápasů, z nichž 29 pro něj skončilo vítězstvím. Když Brazilce hostili čeští tenisté před dvěma lety, Kuerten pro zranění do Ostravy nepřijel.

Daviscupový tým převzal po Aciolym před třemi týdny bývalý hráč Jaime Oncins, ale jeho kapitánská kariéra netrvala dlouho. Když se ke Kuertenově bojkotu přidali jen o několik hodin později i Flavio Saretta a Andre Sá, raději pod vlivem událostí odstoupil.

No, I Have Never Been To Florianopolis
The closest I've ever been is Itajai. Here are some links:

http://www.portoitajai.com.br/
http://www.itajai.com.br/
http://www.itajaionline.com.br/
http://www.weather.com/outlook/travel/local/BRXX0115

NTN in Florianopolis?
Yes, it's mere coincidence, but one of them catchall webpage thingies prominently mentions Florianopolis, and incidentally mentions my OEMPER handle that I use at NTN. Here it is. And here's my handle (presently in Tequila Hoppers' top 50).

Badgervangelism
And an answer to the question that you probably never asked.

Badgers

Eddyland @ Proboards R.I.P.
You may have noticed a number of links in this blog to a message board entitled either "Eddyland" or "Head In The Clouds."

These links no longer work.

According to the site's supreme ruler (hint: his name is not Gertrude), the proboards site was hacked into, so he shut it down.

It was an enjoyable place while it lasted.

I could say more, but I won't at the moment, but suffice it to say that those who count are happy.

Happy May Day, You Danged Commies
You know, we Americans just aren't all that hot on May Day.

Well, I just downloaded mIRC and spent some time on the #dewdropinn channel. This sounds like it can be addicting...